September 3, 2016 by fusion302015

August 2016

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Wednesday of each month from 7pm-8:30 p.m. at Lighthouse Church, 1885 Anaheim Ave., Costa Mesa CA 92627, in the Sanctuary. All SAA members are welcome to participate. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We want your ideas!

REMINDER: Bi-Annual Retreat

DON’T forget to mark your calendars for our next OCISAA retreat which is planned for Saturday, September 24 at the Lighthouse Church located at 1885 Anaheim Ave., Costa Mesa CA 92627 from 9am-5pm. The cost is $25 which includes Continental Breakfast, lunch, snacks and drinks. Scholarships are available. Payments may be made through PayPal on our website or you can mail checks to our P.O. Box – OCISAA P.O. Box 12424 Costa Mesa, CA 92627 (please indicate “retreat” on the check).

Retreats are great for fellowship and a strong outer circle activity. Come connect with others and hear their successes and struggles and how we can help each other. Als0, unbelievably, we are heading toward the holidays which can be trying times for many of us. Gain valuable tools for the holidays and maybe even establish a fellowship to keep you out of isolation.

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My Share

Each month, we publish a personal but anonymous story of recovery. It can be either an autobiography or about a subject important to your recovery. Stories should be written in the first person (“I”) and speak from your experience, strength, and hope. Please submit your story to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com. We may edit submissions for reasons of space, clarity, and appropriate language. Here is this month’s story:

OK, I APOLOGIZED, NOW WHAT ABOUT YOUR PART?

Me: “Honey, I scraped the car door driving into the garage. I’m sorry.”

Her: “Oh my darling, I’m sorry. I had stuff spread all over the garage floor. You wouldn’t have scraped the door if I had given you more room. It’s partly my fault.”

It doesn’t often work like that, does it? More likely we’ll hear, “Well, that was pretty stupid. Now you’ve got to get the door fixed.”

This article is about a frustration many of us share during recovery. We apologize to someone about our part in a situation, but the person we’re apologizing to doesn’t acknowledge their part. We want so badly to hear their apology, but it just doesn’t happen very often.

As a reminder, here are the steps that apply to this discussion:

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

During my early recovery, my therapist and I were discussing relationships. I told him how my wife was angry, and how she found fault with many things I said and did. He explained that her anger was expected, but if she stayed with me it would likely diminish. However, it would take some time. He gave me tips on how to deal with her anger in a constructive way, but he added that sometimes I would just have to take it. He said the best thing I could do at times was simply to tell my wife that I was sorry I had hurt her so deeply, and I was working hard never to hurt her again.

Over time, my therapist gave me more pointers on improving my relationship skills with my wife. I went home and used them, but often my wife didn’t respond the way she “should,” according to what the therapist told me was the ideal way for things to work. When I complained to my therapist about this, he replied that our spouses don’t know the rules, nor do they necessarily feel obligated to follow them even if we plead, “But my therapist said…” Interestingly, as time passed, my wife did begin using some of the relationship skills suggested by my therapist. But not right away. I remember her using the word “psychobabble” critically several times. Now I know it was probably because she was still angry.

At this stage, my relationship with my wife has greatly improved. I am so grateful. Still, she sometimes has difficulty seeing, much less acknowledging, that her actions played a part in something for which I am apologizing to her. I have had to accept it as a part of her that probably won’t change. It’s either that or hold grudges against her.

I must remember that spouses and partners are human. Like us, they’re not perfect. And they have every right to be angry at us – which, hopefully, diminishes over time as we continue our recovery. I believe that anger, though greatly reduced, may still play a role in their reluctance or inability to see their part. Or, it’s also possible that it’s just the way they are. In either case, I believe it’s something we need to accept.

I prefer to believe that my wife’s not seeing her role in some things is just part of her make-up. My wife, as someone in SAA told me, is a package deal. I love her, and I can accept her character flaws because they are dwarfed by her good qualities. Hopefully she can do the same with me.

When I’m upset with my wife, it helps if I write a gratitude list about her. Looking at all those good things makes me more willing to accept her imperfections. It’s good for my recovery.

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Intergroup Project Updates

Survey

AND now for the long awaited survey results…

– 152 people took the survey with 146 males and 5 females responding
– 16 people found SAA through acting out, while 94 found us while looking
for help which is up 17% from last year.
– 49 came to us from therapists up 5% from 2014.
– Referrals were down 6% with 33 being referred.

What kept most coming back was a connection to a share, hearing someone else’s story with 80 responses. We know the power of hearing others going through the same thing we are. Hearing the similar despair and longing for a better path. 27 came back because they were greeted…very important because we all understand that it is a huge step to just walk in to a meeting of strangers and utter those three words for the first time.

The most most popular meeting formats (in order of most popular to least popular) were shares-106, speaker-52, book study-48, step study-47, mixed-23, meditation-17 and other-14.

Thank you to everyone who participated and provided data for the survey and a big thank you to everyone involved in getting this survey out to everyone and compiling the results. If you have questions please let us know.

Retaining Newcomers

As always, we want to reach out and retain newcomers since most of us know that abstinence and sobriety is better maintained out of isolation and in the fellowship of others. Please consider ways to retain newcomers and ensure they feel welcome as I know we all do.

Website Traffic

We continue to receive visitors to our website, http://www.ocisaa.org, with 1,350 visitors and 743 people actively looking through the site and primarily using the meeting location tab. Our website is a valuable for those in recovery as well as those seeking recovery.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Our internet keyword search through Google is a big success so far. In June 2016, we had 410 clicks and 14,553 impressions (missing July results at time of writing). As a result of this endeavor we are reaching a new audience which is great. This is continuing to be a worthwhile venture and it brings the sex addict who still suffers to our page, hopefully meetings and most importantly to recovery.

We will also be adding word search terms for women who are suffering from this addiction. We have received several contacts from women through the adword project.

Craigslist

The responses continue to ads we placed for SAA on the Orange County Craigslist website. Sex addicts going there to act out are being presented with an opportunity for recovery, and for some of them, it’s working!

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Announcements & News Notes

The OC Intergroup meeting day has changed. OC Intergroup now meets the 2nd Wednesday of each month at 7pm at the same location, Lighthouse Church Costa Mesa in the Sanctuary.

Costa Mesa Noon Meetings

We have found a new location for the Costa Mesa Noon Meetings…
Orange Coast Unitarian Universalist Church located at:
2845 Mesa Verde Dr. East – Suite 4
Costa Mesa, CA 92626

They are also looking for speakers for Monday meetings to speak for 15 minutes on how they found recovery. Requires 6 months or more of sobriety to speak. Contact Lee at (714)318-8932 if interested.

A Message for Sponsors

We suggest you consider stressing to your sponsees the importance of service work such as volunteering for positions at their meetings. Early in recovery, service work gives recovering sex addicts something to feel good about when they need it most. Later on, it becomes Step 12 work, a very healthy activity and again a builder of self-esteem. Some sponsors we know feel so strongly about it that they advise their sponsees either to fill a service position or find another sponsor!

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has one vacant position and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► The Vice Chair works with the Chair to coordinate the Intergroup’s overall activities such as preparing the monthly agenda and helping with surveys. It’s estimated that Vice Chair duties take about 2-4 hours per month, plus the monthly Intergroup meeting.

► The Vice Treasurer works with the Treasurer to manage Intergroup funds. The duties generally occupy minimal time – just an hour most months. Attendance at the monthly Intergroup meeting is encouraged. This position requires one year of abstinence.

► Digi Com Chair is responsible for maintaining the website and generally requires 2-4 hours each month. Attendance at the monthly Intergroup meeting is encouraged.

► We are looking for people with website experience of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

Only 25% of our meetings have an intergroup rep. The commitment is approximately an hour a month for the intergroup meeting and then a report at least once a month to the group being represented. If your meeting still lacks an Intergroup rep, please tell your secretary that you need one. For more information, contact us at ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com. We highly recommend you find someone to fill this service position. We also suggest if possible, that your group allocate a percentage of its donations to the Intergroup for its activities, which benefit all SAA groups in the region.

Thanks for Your Donations!

We are grateful for the support we receive from the Orange County area SAA meetings. As you can see from our activities listed in this newsletter, we are putting your donations to good use. We encourage you to attend our monthly meetings and voice your ideas.

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:

Who: Are you a committee (of the Intergroup, for example), or an individual SAA meeting group, or another type of organization or individual?
What: Is this a workshop, breakfast, retreat, or another type of event?
Title: What is the name of your event?
When: Give the date and starting and ending times of your event.
Cost: What – if anything – is the suggested contribution, or is it a set fee, or is no one turned away for lack of funds?
Description: In a sentence, or several sentences, say what is unique or especially appealing about your event.
Where: Event address, along with any cross-street info or parking tips you think are important.
More Info: Whom to call for more information? List a telephone number, email address, and/or website.
Please give us as much lead time as possible, and note that submissions are subject to editing for clarity and space.

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SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Costa Mesa (NEW LOCATION Effective Aug. 3th 2015 – formerly at First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa):

Monday, 7:30 – 9:00 pm
Men Only/Closed/Book Study
Costa Mesa Church of Christ, 287 W. Wilson Street, Costa Mesa, CA 92627
Directions: Between Harbor Blvd. & Fairview Ave.
For more information call 949-478-5617

Corona Del Mar (NEW LOCATION Effective Aug. 5th 2015 – formerly at First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa):
Wednesday, 7:30 – 9:00 pm
Mixed/Closed/Book Study/Share
St. Michael & All Angels’ Episcopal Church, 3233 Pacific View Drive, Corona Del Mar, CA 92625 (South Wing Room attached to Church – Enter thru Patio on the Right)
Directions: to be added to website soon! For more information call (949) 636-1917

Wednesday, 12:00 – 1:00 pm
Men only/Closed
Pines Park, 34941 Camino Capistrano, CA 92624
Directions: From the 5 Freeway head south on Camino De Estrella towards Coast Highway, turn right on to Camino Capistrano. Parking will be on the street on Camino Capistrano…….the meeting is held at the upper Park at the south end.
For more information call (949) 547-4498.

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Thursday, 7:00-8:00 p.m.
Closed, men only
707 E. Chapman, Orange 92866
Building is close to Orange Traffic Circle, white with green trim, no suite number; parking lot adjacent to building
Contact Chris B. (949) 278-3642

Changes:

***Not NUTS Meeting Update!!
Moving to Church of Christ on Wed. nights from 7pm-8:30pm in the Family Room. Bill P is the contact.

***The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. The meeting time is 6:30pm-7:30pm in Huntington Beach. Please call 657-215-1252 or email saawomensgroup@gmail.com for more details.

The Monday and Friday Long Beach meetings are no longer at Kaiser Permanente, 3900 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach. The new meeting times and locations are:
—Monday, 7:30-8:30 pm, Mixed/Closed/Step/Tradition/Topic
Unitarian Church, 5450 Atherton St., Long Beach (just West of Bellflower Blvd.), in the Chalice Room
Contact Carole B., 562-841-4348, or e-mail CAROLEMARY@NETZERO.COM
—Friday, 6:30-7:30 pm, Mixed/Closed/Step/Tradition/Topic
Unitarian Church, 5450 Atherton St., Long Beach (just West of Bellflower Blvd.), in the Chalice Room
Contact Carole B., 562-841-4348, or e-mail CAROLEMARY@NETZERO.COM

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Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Frank S., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Frank, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Phil G. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Steve W., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mark D., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Vacant

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Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

July 30, 2016 by fusion302015

July 2016

Bi-Annual Retreat

Our next OCISAA retreat is planned for Saturday, September 24 at the Lighthouse Church located at 1885 Anaheim Ave., Costa Mesa CA 92627 from 9am-5pm. The cost is $25 which includes Continental Breakfast, lunch, snacks and drinks. Scholarships are available. Payments may be made through PayPal on our website or you can mail checks to our P.O. Box – OCISAA P.O. Box 12424 Costa Mesa, CA 92627 (please indicate “retreat” on the check).

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My Share

Recovery

What I’m like now: I have over 5 yrs. non-white knuckle sobriety. My new inner circle boundaries are-

No sex w/ myself or anyone except my wife, and no porn. My middle circle boundary is mostly not fantasizing more than 3 seconds from old sexual experiences or someone I just saw.

I now know sponsors do make mistakes too, just like me. My new sponsor guideline for myself is a year of sobriety and working the steps.

I now pick up the phone that used to weigh 900 lbs, it only weighs 6 oz. now! I make calls weekly to my sponsor and others in this program, and I plan to just keep on working the steps, probably as long as I live. And I can accept that.

I pray and ask for help and pray for others daily, and started sponsoring.

I also volunteered for our local intergroup, which has been a gift to me from our fellowship!

I completed 3 back to back complete step rounds because I did not understand how to use the steps daily. My recovery hit a turning point when I wrote down my inventory for my 4^th step & shared it w/ my sponsor in step#5, and when I really started practicing the 12^th Step. And it does that every time so far! I feel free and a lot lighter, a lot of my shame & guilt gone. I have learned that I do not have to WAIT (until I have worked in step order)to practice step #12, this has had a very positive impact on my recovery, especially when I am thinking of others.

I carefully researched about who I wanted to be my HP, I chose Jesus because He hung out w/ broken people like myself, and loved & healed them! And I had a lot breaks that needed healing.

Mentally I am in much better shape & feel I am dealing w/ people, places & things not feeling the helpless urge to ao when I am stressed or uncomfortable. Daily I remind myself to try to be humble and to realize I am powerless over everything except my own thoughts and actions. Trying to stay out of myself and to think more of others and their needs instead of feeling “if only all my needs are met the world will keep on spinning”! For me, “progress rather than perfection”, “better not bitter”, “this too shall pass” & “one day at a time” are sayings and feelings I try to keep in my mind all day.

My relationships w/ my wife, children, family, friends and strangers have improved and continue getting better as I get more recovery.

I will use anything that I feel is useful for my recovery, from all kinds of sources, including belonging to another fellowship where I share directly about my HP. Thinking daily of steps 1-4 is something I try to keep in my head and practice daily, and practicing the 10^th step of taking my daily inventory and if I was wrong to promptly admit it and make amends.

Looking back, if I could have changed my recovery by working on the steps, getting & keeping a sponsor & making calls (following the guidelines for this program), and especially practicing the 12^th step “To carry the message to the addicts who still suffer”, I believe my recovery would be fuller faster.

The resources I use are: SAA Greenbook, the AA Big Book, Hope & Recovery, Bible especially Proverbs, 12 steps and 12 traditions, the Life Recovery Daily Devotional, Recovery from Sexual Addiction group, Dr. Carnes books and continuously learning & reading about recovery.

I work the steps and leave the rest to God, it DOES work if you work it! If I can do it, ANYONE can!

Thank you to God, the 12 steps, my sponsor and this fellowship!

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Intergroup Project Updates

Survey

AND now for the long awaited survey results…

The most most popular meeting formats (in order of most popular to least popular) were shares-106, speaker-52, book study-48, step study-47, mixed-23, meditation-17 and other-14.

Retaining Newcomers

Website Traffic

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Our internet keyword search through Google is a big success so far. In June 2016, we had 410 clicks and 14,553 impressions. As a result of this endeavor we are reaching a new audience which is great. This is continuing to be a worthwhile venture and it brings the sex addict who still suffers to our page, hopefully meetings and most importantly to recovery.

We will also be adding word search terms for women who are suffering from this addiction. We have received several contacts from women through the adword project.

Craigslist

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Announcements & News Notes

The OC Intergroup meeting day has changed. OC Intergroup now meets the 2nd Wednesday of each month at 7pm at the same location, Lighthouse Church Costa Mesa in the Sanctuary.

Costa Mesa Noon Meetings

We have found a new location for the Costa Mesa Noon Meetings…
Orange Coast Unitarian Universalist Church located at:
2845 Mesa Verde Dr. East – Suite 4
Costa Mesa, CA 92626

They are also looking for speakers for Monday meetings to speak for 15 minutes on how they found recovery. Requires 6 months or more of sobriety to speak. Contact Lee at (714)318-8932 if interested.

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has one vacant position and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► Digi Com Chair is responsible for maintaining the website and generally requires 2-4 hours each month. Attendance at the monthly Intergroup meeting is encouraged.

► We are looking for people with website experience of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

Thanks for Your Donations!

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Costa Mesa (NEW LOCATION Effective Aug. 3th 2015 – formerly at First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa):

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Changes:

***Not NUTS Meeting Update!!
Moving to Church of Christ on Wed. nights from 7pm-8:30pm in the Family Room. Bill P is the contact.

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Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

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Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

July 3, 2015 by fusion302015

June 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:15-8:30 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome to participate. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We want your ideas!

The 12th Step and Service

In last month’s newsletter we discussed Service and this lead article ran…I feel it is important and will run it once more this month hoping to spark someone’s desire to serve. In addition we are ramping up for the August Retreat…more details will be available soon. As of right now, it appears the retreat will be held at Mariner’s Church however no firm confirmation was available as of this writing. Retreats are great opportunities to connect with others in recovery and pick up additional tools. They allow us to find new outer circle activities and avoid isolating ourselves. Check back for details or check-in at a meeting. Thank you for letting me be of service.

In recovery we come to a point of clarity and find ourselves ready to serve others in many ways. We share our story with others, we listen to each other and many of us find that choosing a service position whether within our own meeting group or in the larger Intergroup satisfies our desire to continually practice the 12th step which states, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.” (SAA Green Book). While service comes in many forms for everyone, serving the Intergroup provides service to our entire community. Without the Intergroup service positions this website would not exist and neither would the network and ease of finding a meeting. Service to others allows us to come out of isolation and break the cycle. It allows us to remember that others are depending on us to help in their recovery.

The Orange County Intergroup has several service positions available, which are highlighted in the Intergroup Announcements/Newsnotes later in this newsletter. As you read and digest this month’s newsletter, take a moment and consider serving in any capacity, no matter how small or how large, knowing that your service is helping make recovery possible for many.

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My Share

Forward Progress

Progress is defined, in part, by the Webster’s Dictionary as a forward or onward movement (as to an objective or to a goal). If we think of this forward or onward movement in terms of recovery we can begin to realize the fulfillment of The Promises of SAA. SAA embraces progress when we say one day at a time. Its this progress thing that becomes lost when we begin the recovery journey. I’m a perfectionist, a true defect of character and dangerous in recovery as well as life in general since there is no such thing as “perfect” in real life.

When I came to SAA six years ago, I was ready to enter recovery however I had this idea that I needed to be perfect. I strived to maintain some sobriety but i couldn’t manage more than a week of solid sobriety. The addiction had taken hold and instead of focusing on restarting my time and giving myself some credit, I saw this as a failure. That drove me right back into acting out further since stress, feelings of failure, etc caused me to act out in the first place. As I put more time into recovery and the program, I began to realize my defects including the perfectionism. The light flicked on and allowed me a new perspective, one that allowed me to refocus the perfect vision to a vision of measuring success and failure. I accepted that failures were bound to occur, without being negative. I realized that success was knowing when I entered the inner circle and pulled myself out, success was when I had 60 days of sobriety and acted out only to reset the clock and not get down on myself as I gained more knowledge. This wasn’t an excuse for acting out by any means. To me success is progress, progress is success…Progress is learning from failure and moving forward, not dwelling on it.

Progress is accepting failure and striving to better your position through lessons learned. There are plenty of failures in the world, but those failures are what provided us with many great innovations…failures that gave the innovators more knowledge and the ability to make progress toward successfully delivering us their creativity, ingenuity and inventions that dramatically changed our way of life. I’m reminded of a few quotes by Thomas Edison:

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Edison’s view of failure is one of forward thinking and seeing failure as an opportunity to make progress toward success. Like Edison, we find ways that won’t work for us, but if try just one more time we might find that way that works for us and carries us forward in recovery.

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Intergroup Project Updates

Retaining Newcomers

Anyone who has attended SAA groups for very long knows that some members are in for the long term, but too many others attend a few meetings and leave. It makes sense that if someone keeps attending meetings, he or she is more likely to make progress in recovering from their sex addiction. The Orange County Intergroup solicited suggestions from the SAA fellowship to encourage newcomers to keep returning. The resulting list was published in the March 2015 SAA Newsletter, available elsewhere on this website. Intergroup representatives were also given copies to distribute at their home meetings. If you think of more ways to “keep ’em coming back,” please let us know.

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

We are unaware of any Spanish-language SAA meetings in the Orange County area. We added a Spanish translation of the “12 & 12″ to our website and we now have a location for a Spanish-speaking meeting, details to follow. We welcome your suggestions.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

We are working toward directing certain Internet searches to our website, using key words and phrases to do so. Examples are “massage parlor reviews” and “can’t stop watching porn.” In addition, we are working on inserting key words into recovery stories to help addicts find our program. Google has approved our search terms and keywords. At a recent meeting, we approved a 30-day test run. We will inform you of the results.

Craigslist

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Announcements & Newsnotes

August Retreat

The retreat location is being finalized, check back for location details. If you have topic suggestions or if you would like to lead a discussion group, please attend the next Intergroup meeting on June 11, or email your suggestions to ocisaa.chair@gmail.com.

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has four vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► The Inreach Coordinator handles Intergroup activities involving the existing SAA framework, as opposed to Outreach, which works to bring in newcomers. The Inreach Coordinator’s duties require two (sometimes more) hours per month, plus the monthly Intergroup meeting.

► The Parliamentarian keeps order in the monthly Intergroup meetings (according to Robert’s Rules of Order, but detailed knowledge is unnecessary) and also leads a short discussion about one of the 12 Traditions each month.

► We are looking for people with website experience of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on June 11.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

If your meeting still lacks an Intergroup rep, please tell your secretary that you need one. For more information, contact us at ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com. We highly recommend you find someone to fill this service position. We also suggest if possible, that your group allocate a percentage of its donations to the Intergroup for its activities, which benefit all SAA groups in the region.

Thanks for Your Donations!

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Friday, noon-1:00 p.m.
Closed, men only
St. Matthew’s Church
1111 W. Town & Country Rd., Unit 14, Orange 92868
In the Town & Country Business Center North (look for “Gondola Subs”), around the back
Contact Casey (323) 375-7322

Tuesday, 7:00-8:30 p.m.
Closed, mixed
Book study/Check-in
First Southern Baptist Church, Dining Room
6801 Western Ave., Buena Park, CA 90621 (just north of Orangethorpe Ave.)
Contact Maurice B. (714) 683-8663/motrago@hotmail.com

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Tuesday morning 6:30 a.m. meeting at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa has been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

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Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mark D., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Vacant

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

May 31, 2015 by fusion302015

May 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:15-8:30 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome to participate. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We want your ideas!

The 12th Step and Service

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My Share

The Pink Cloud

I didn’t join SAA because I was tired of acting out, I came with my tail between my legs after my wife caught me acting out. I was distraught and desperate. I didn’t want to lose my marriage. In such a mental state, I had no desire to act out. That was the last thing on my mind.

Actually, I didn’t come to SAA directly. I went to counseling. The counselor said he would only continue seeing me if I joined a 12-step sex addiction recovery group. At my first meeting, I knew I belonged there, although it took three meetings with three different 12-step groups to decide that SAA would be the best group for me.

I began attending SAA meetings regularly, still scared out of my mind. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. Two months into the program, my mind was still somewhat reeling, but I was making good progress in my recovery. My wife began to defrost, and I still didn’t want to act out. That was great!

Things continued that way for awhile. My relationship with my wife improved even more, and I completed Step 3 and began work on Step 4. Life was great. Then it happened, and it happened because life was great.

I began thinking that I had mostly recovered from my disease. Perhaps more important, my wife and I were friends again. I was no longer desperate, no longer afraid. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but the Pink Cloud was gone. In fact, I didn’t even hear that term until I’d been in the program for a couple of years. So what’s the Pink Cloud?

The Pink Cloud is that period in early recovery when we don’t want to act out because we’re so desperate and afraid. The length of time can vary, but most of us are on this cloud for a spell. It’s important to know this is temporary. It’s just a cloud, and clouds evaporate. Mine did, and I landed with a resounding thud. Had I stuck with the program, I could have floated down like a feather.

I grew overconfident; and like many of us who fall off the wagon, I only wanted to do what I thought was the minimum necessary for my recovery. (I have since discovered, the hard way, that my minimum is not enough. I forgot that my “best thinking” got me into SAA.) I stopped calling my sponsor as often, then stopped calling him altogether. I stopped working on my 4^th Step. I began dabbling in my middle circle, which led inevitably back to my inner circle. Which eventually got me caught again by my wife. Which put me back on the Pink Cloud.

It took more than once on this merry-go-round, but I eventually learned to take the program seriously enough to land on my feet once my Pink Cloud evaporated. And as the Promises promise, I see things more clearly now that used to baffle me. One is the Pink Cloud.

The Pink Cloud is valuable. It allows us time to get a good start on recovery before we’re tempted to act out again. But we need to know that it’s temporary. When we share at meetings, or if we sponsor others, we can tell them to expect the cloud to go away and the desire to act out to return. In my experience, if I learn something in advance, I can cope with it better when it happens.

That’s what I know about the Pink Cloud. Now if someone can just tell me why it’s pink????

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Retaining Newcomers

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

We are unaware of any Spanish-language SAA meetings in the Orange County area. We added a Spanish translation of the “12 & 12” to our website and we now have a location for a Spanish-speaking meeting, details to follow. We welcome your suggestions.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Craigslist

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Announcements & Newsnotes

August Retreat

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has four vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on June 11.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

Thanks for Your Donations!

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Tuesday morning 6:30 a.m. meeting at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa has been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

April 30, 2015 by Mike K.

April 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:15-8:30 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome to participate. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We want your ideas!

Wanted: Topics for Our Next Retreat

We are currently preparing for our next retreat in August. Retreats are a great way to find strength, hope, and courage while creating friendships and recovery. Our last retreat in January 2015 had 50 attendees from Southern California. The topic was “ISOLATION: Causes and Cures” which highlighted a major component to our disease and ways to emerge from it. Retreats are packed with great recovery opportunities and feature speakers, workshops, discussions, and panels, plus food! The raffle prizes during the January retreat were two high definition LCD TVs…great prizes just in time for the Super Bowl. We look forward to seeing everyone for fellowship, recovery, and hope. The date and location are still being worked out with details coming soon.

We are soliciting suggestions for the main topic, or topics, to be featured at our next retreat. What would you like to learn more about? Or is there a subject you would like to present to others because you have learned a lot about it? Here are some of the suggestions we have received so far:

► How acting out affects my job/career
► Sponsorship
► The amends steps (8 and 9)
► From inner to outer circle
► Stepwork – why we have trouble moving forward (ed. note: see the next article)
► Shame and guilt
► How and why to keep coming back
► Honesty
► Sharing with fellow sex addicts
► Being of service/service positions
► Fellowship
► Support from/relationships with family and friends
► Recognition of myself in others who are managing to stay sober
► Not giving up
► Openness
► Acceptance
► What happens before and after group meetings
► How to organize and conduct a timely and educational SAA meeting
► How to help others, e.g. hearing their story; taking the time; being friendly, helpful, and nonjudgmental

If you have further suggestions or if you would like to lead a discussion group, please attend the next Intergroup meeting on May 14, or email your suggestions to ocisaa.chair@gmail.com.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My Share

Working the Steps: Why Are They So Darned Steep? (and How I Climbed Them Anyway)

In the last Intergroup survey, working the steps was the second most prevalent problem for SAA members, right behind using the phone. One-fourth of all respondents listed stepwork as one of the two toughest things in their recovery. Some members cited stepwork in general; others, specific steps such as 1, 4, 9, or 12.

Me? I bogged down on Step Four. After joining a group and getting a sponsor, I conscientiously completed Steps 1, 2, and 3. My life was better. My relationship with my wife had improved. I hadn’t acted out since my recovery began. But man! Step Four looked like a mountain. Lots of lists, lots of columns, lots of work for someone who was doing so well in his recovery, I thought. I began working on the step, but the incentive – the desperation – was gone; so I slowed down, then stopped. When my wife asked why I wasn’t working on my steps, I said she needn’t worry. Look at our relationship, I said. I’m not acting out, I said. Don’t worry, honey, I’ll complete the steps eventually. But there’s no hurry. I’m sure I’ll get something from the last nine steps, but I’m already enjoying most of the benefits from what I’ve already done.

I believed that myself, sort of. I wanted to believe it, anyway. But, overconfident, I fell victim to a common tendency among us recovering sex addicts: to do the least we think necessary in order to stay abstinent. Unfortunately, that is never enough. I stopped calling my sponsor. I began to dabble in my middle circle. One day there I was, back in my inner circle, where I stayed for a year and a half until my wife caught me acting out. Again. I felt so low, so ashamed, so afraid. Why my wife stuck with me is a miracle, but that’s another story.

My desperation had returned. I called my sponsor, who was surprised to hear from me. He suggested, in his insistent way, that I resume my stepwork. This time he structured it for me: 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. I protested: Why can’t I do more if I feel like it? 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. But it’ll take most of that time to review my previous work! 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. What if I’m on vacation? Sick? Visiting friends? 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. I thought I was talking to a broken record, but eventually he continued, saying he expected me to call him every day with a status report. This time, I knew better than to protest. His broken-record answer would always be every day, every day, every day.

I took up Step Four again. Funny thing was, the step didn’t seem such a mountain anymore. All I had to do was make a bit of progress each day. I completed it and began the next step. It wasn’t overwhelming, either. Johnny Cash did a song, “One Piece at a Time,” in which, one by one, he gradually stole enough parts from his auto manufacturer employer to build a whole car. The Johnny Cash approach worked for me. It took about eight months to complete the last nine steps, 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. And man, I felt good!!!

I learned a lot from each one of the 12 Steps, more than I thought I would. Now I can apply the steps to my daily life and help others do the same. That is so important in maintaining my sobriety. How could I ever have believed otherwise? Actually, that’s easy. My addict is a clever S.O.B. and will fool me if it can. And it did. Working the steps daily – all 12 of them – helps me recognize my devious devil’s antics and gives me tools to keep the devil at bay.

Doing what my sponsor asked, even when I questioned his wisdom at times, taught me a valuable lesson in humility. Sticking to his instructions every day without fail taught me a valuable lesson in self-discipline. These bonuses were unexpected, and I didn’t realize I’d received them until it was over. And that’s another valuable lesson: Working on my program gives me unanticipated benefits. I like pleasant surprises!

So many sex addicts have problems working the 12 Steps, and I was one of them. I learned that no step has to be an intimidating mountain, not even all 12 steps together. For me, the answer was to build my car one piece at a time, 15 minutes a day, no more, no less, no days off. Vrooooooooom!!!!!!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Retaining Newcomers

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

We are unaware of any Spanish-language SAA meetings in the Orange County area. We added a Spanish translation of the “12 & 12” to our website and are looking for a location for a Spanish-speaking meeting, most likely in Santa Ana. We welcome your suggestions.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Craigslist

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Announcements & Newsnotes

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has four vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on May 14.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

Thanks for Your Donations!

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:
Who: Are you a committee (of the Intergroup, for example), or an individual SAA meeting group, or another type of organization or individual?
What: Is this a workshop, breakfast, retreat, or another type of event?
Title: What is the name of your event?
When: Give the date and starting and ending times of your event.
Cost: What – if anything – is the suggested contribution, or is it a set fee, or is no one turned away for lack of funds?
Description: In a sentence, or several sentences, say what is unique or especially appealing about your event.
Where: Event address, along with any cross-street info or parking tips you think are important.
More Info: Whom to call for more information? List a telephone number, email address, and/or website.
Please give us as much lead time as possible, and note that submissions are subject to editing for clarity and space.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Tuesday morning 6:30 a.m. meeting at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa has been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Vacant

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

April 1, 2015 by Mike K.

March 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:15-8:30 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome to participate. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We want your ideas!

Newcomers: Bringing Them Back for More

Anyone who has attended SAA groups for very long knows that some members are in for the long term, but too many others attend a few meetings and leave. It makes sense that if someone keeps attending meetings, he or she is more likely to make progress in recovering from their sex addiction. The Orange County Intergroup solicited suggestions from the SAA fellowship to encourage newcomers to keep returning. The resulting list is found below. We suggest that you, either individually or as a group, consider the following measures to retain new members.

Actions you can take as an individual:
► Welcome the newcomers during your shares.
► Speak with newcomers before and/or after meetings, welcoming them and asking if they have any questions.
► Invite the newcomer to join you for after-meeting fellowships such as coffee or lunch, if the group has them.
► Offer to have coffee with them after the meeting, or to meet for coffee before the next meeting.
► Volunteer your phone number, or give them a phone list with your number checked, or offer to exchange phone numbers.
► Offer to call the newcomer in a few days to ask how they’re doing and answer any questions.
► Volunteer to be a newcomer’s temporary sponsor if you think it’s appropriate.
► If you serve as your group’s Literature Coordinator, put together packages of the most appropriate free brochures and a phone list, and give those to each newcomer – possibly during chip presentations so they don’t leave before you have a chance.

Actions requiring a group conscience:
► Establish a group service position of Greeter before the meetings, especially welcoming to newcomers.
► Establish a Welcoming Committee for newcomers.
► Establish a group service position of Sponsorship Coordinator to help newcomers find a sponsor and answer their questions. The Sponsorship Coordinator could also give the newcomer an informal “business card” with the coordinator’s name, phone number, and email.
► Hold a special meeting for newcomers.

If you have more ideas on how to retain newcomers, please attend our next Intergroup meeting, or you may submit them to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com or to your group’s Intergroup representative. Thank you!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My Share

What We’ve Got Here Is a Failure to Communicate

The title of this piece is a line spoken by Strother Martin in the classic 1967 film “Cool Hand Luke” starring Paul Newman, and it describes one of our major issues in recovering from sex addiction. As addicts we isolate, which obviously restricts communication. We also keep secrets. This, too, restricts communication. And we lie, likewise bad for communication. Gosh, we’re not very good communicators! And why should we be? As addicts, we don’t want to be found out. The secrecy, lies and isolation are necessary. Over time, these characteristics become so instilled that we practice them instinctively. But in recovery we realize the harm these things have done to ourselves and those around us. We learn the value – the necessity – of good, honest communication, and we gain the willingness to change.

Eliminating isolation, secrets and lies from our lives can be scary. It requires sharing intimate information; it requires vulnerability. For many of us, our vulnerability was violated in the past, which makes us afraid to be vulnerable now. We may have been physically or verbally abused by our parents or others close to us. Maybe we were molested or raped by an older person. Perhaps our trust was betrayed. We might have suffered from others’ harsh judgment. Fortunately, the SAA program offers opportunities to improve our communication in a safe, non-threatening environment. This has been extremely important for me, since I was one whose vulnerability was violated as a child.

One of the first things that struck me in SAA was how freely and honestly other addicts shared at meetings. I was amazed the first time I heard someone talk about their compulsive masturbation and the accompanying rituals. I quickly learned that I could share openly at meetings without fearing judgment from my fellows. I also learned that exposing my secret life to others in a safe setting was helpful in maintaining my abstinence.

Some of my secrets, though, were so scary that I couldn’t even share them at meetings. I found that I could talk about them with my sponsor, though. I was able to tell him things that I never thought I would be able to share with anyone, ever. He didn’t judge me. He reassured me that in working the 12 Steps, I would be able to deal with all of my issues in a safe environment. He was right.

I began to look at my life, finding that my addictive tendency toward isolation, lies and secrets was affecting my communication with others more than I thought. For example, I would say to myself, “They don’t need to know that” when actually they did. While not an overt lie, it amounted to the same thing; and it certainly was a secret. I began sharing my feelings with my wife, who had miraculously stuck with me. I found that making myself vulnerable brought us closer together. And why wouldn’t it? She was learning more about the real me, the person with fears and sensitivities and admitted imperfections. It made me more human to her.

For me personally, therapy has also been an important way to improve communication. My wife and I have different ways of dealing with conflicts, actually talking on different levels (neither one better or worse). Through therapy I learned how to engage less destructively. We still argue sometimes, but the arguments are fewer and shorter. I’m still working on some of my character defects that cause arguments in the first place. I gently remind myself that it’s progress, not perfection.

I’ve learned that isolation, secrets and lies not only facilitated my addiction but harmed my relationships as well. I’ve learned that it’s good for me to bring things out that in the past I would have kept to myself. I ask myself questions like, “Have I said that to my wife? Wouldn’t that would be a good idea? Don’t I think she’d appreciate hearing that? Wouldn’t it open up a healthy dialogue?” I also know now that telling my wife something unpleasant is better than her finding out.

Sometimes an SAA member asks for my feedback about, “Do you think it’s okay to _____?” Often my response is about communication: “Have you asked your wife (or girlfriend) her opinion, or is this something you wouldn’t want her to know, in which case you know it’s not okay?”

Good, honest, open communication is vital both in recovery from sex addiction and in interpersonal relationships, which are in any case intertwined. Isolation, secrets and lies work against both. They are poison, and if I am to continue my progress in recovery, I need to avoid them.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Our Next Retreat: August 2015

We are currently preparing for our next retreat in August. Retreats are a great way to find strength, hope and courage while creating friendships and recovery. Our last retreat in January 2015 had 50 attendees from Los Angeles, Orange and San Diego counties. The topic was “ISOLATION: Causes and Cures” which highlighted a major component to our disease and ways to emerge from it. Retreats are packed with great recovery opportunities and feature speakers, workshops, discussions and panels plus food! The raffle prizes during the January retreat were two high definition LCD TVs…great prizes just in time for the Super Bowl. We look forward to seeing everyone for fellowship, recovery and hope. The date and location are still being worked out with details coming soon.

We are soliciting suggestions for the main topic, or topics, to be featured at our next retreat. What would you like to learn more about? Or is there a subject you would like to present to others because you have learned a lot about it? Please attend the next Intergroup meeting on April 9, or email your suggestions to ocisaa.chair@gmail.com.

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

We are working toward directing certain Internet searches to our website, using key words and phrases to do so. Examples are “massage parlor reviews” and “can’t stop watching porn.” In addition, we are working on inserting key words into recovery stories to help addicts find our program. Google has approved our search terms and key words. At a recent meeting, we approved a 30-day test run. We will inform you of the results.

Craigslist

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Announcements & Newsnotes

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has three vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► The Vice Chair works with the Chair to coordinate the Intergroup’s overall activities. It’s estimated that Vice Chair duties take about four hours per month, plus the monthly Intergroup meeting.

► The Vice Treasurer works with the Treasurer to manage Intergroup funds. The duties generally occupy minimal time, but this can vary. There may be an abstinence requirement for this position. Attendance at the monthly Intergroup meeting is encouraged.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on April 9th.

Needed: Intergroup Representatives

Thanks for Your Donations!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Wednesday, 5:00-6:00pm
Closed, men only
1900 E. 4th St., Conference Room 2A, Santa Ana 92705
Free parking in structure
Contact Frank P. (949) 842-3454

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Tuesday morning 6:30 a.m. meeting at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa has been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Mike K.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

February 28, 2015 by Mike K.

February 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:00-8:15 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We are still a young organization and need your ideas!

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Coming Back?

► Personally invite the newcomer to join you for after-meeting fellowships such as coffee or lunch, if the group has them.
► Offer to have coffee with them after the meeting, or to meet for coffee before the next meeting.
► Establish a group service position of Sponsorship Coordinator.
► Speak with newcomers before and/or after meetings, welcoming them and asking if they have any questions.
► Volunteer your phone number, or give them a phone list with your number checked, or offer to exchange phone numbers.
► Hold a special meeting for newcomers.
► Offer to call the newcomer in a few days to ask how they’re doing and answer any questions.

We are asking for more ideas before we send a list of suggestions to our Intergroup member groups. If you would like to contribute your ideas or experience, please attend our next Intergroup meeting on March 12, or you may submit them to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com or to your group’s Intergroup representative. Thank you!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My Share

Each month, we publish a personal but anonymous story of recovery. Stories should be written in the first person (“I”); speak from your experience, strength, and hope; and be limited to approximately one typewritten page. Please submit your story to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com. We may edit submissions for reasons of space, clarity, and appropriate language. Here is this month’s story:

The Liar

My addiction, you were planted in fear. Selfishness and self-centeredness watered your roots. The illusion of need was your sun…but, you’re a lie.

I allowed you to grow and flourish, hoping you would provide relief from my feeling of emptiness, relief that never came. Instead, I became consumed by you and, like overgrown weeds, you took over the landscape of my life…but, you’re a lie.

You occupied my waking moments and filled my dreams. Fantasy became possibility, but never relief. Whatever thrill or rush provided by the hunt was always a disappointment in the end…because you’re a lie.

My insatiable need, fed by you, caused me harm to the people I supposedly cared about most, including myself…but, you’re a lie.

In me, I possessed a loneliness, so intense I embraced you. I see now that I can never be made whole by you because the causes and conditions that created you aren’t real…because you’re a lie.

I’m taking a new path, creating a new life, rebuilding my marriage. There’s no room for you in it – you gotta go. The loneliness will be erased without you, and without you I will be the husband my wife deserves…without the lie.

I don’t need you in my life. I don’t want you in my life. I have no room for you in my life. You gotta go. RIP, you motherfucker….now, you’re a dead lie.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Topics for Our Next Retreat

We are soliciting suggestions for the main topic, or topics, to be featured at our next retreat to be held in late summer or early fall. The January topic was isolation. What would you like to learn more about? Or is there a subject you would like to present to others because you have learned a lot about it? Please attend the next Intergroup meeting on March 12, or email your suggestions to ocisaa.chair@gmail.com.

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

We are unaware of any Spanish-language SAA meetings in the Orange County area. We are adding a Spanish translation of the “12 & 12” to our website and are looking for a location for a Spanish-speaking meeting, most likely in Santa Ana. We welcome your suggestions.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

We are working toward directing certain Internet searches to our website, using key words and phrases to do so. Examples are “massage parlor reviews” and “can’t stop watching porn.” In addition, we are working on inserting key words into recovery stories to help addicts find our program. Google has approved our search terms and key words. At our January meeting, we approved a 30-day test run. We will inform you of the results.

Craigslist

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Announcements & Newsnotes

A Message for Sponsors

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has three vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► The Vice Treasurer works with the Treasurer to manage our Intergroup funds. The duties generally occupy minimal time, but this can vary. There may be an abstinence requirement for this position. Attendance at the monthly Intergroup meeting is encouraged.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on March 12.

A Few Intergroup Representatives Still Needed

Thanks for Your Donations!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Tuesday morning 6:30 a.m. meeting at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa has been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Mike K.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

January 29, 2015 by Mike K.

January 2015

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:00-8:15 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We are still a young organization and need your ideas!

Hope You Didn’t Miss Our Retreat, But in Case You Did…

The Orange County Intergroup hosted its fifth one-day retreat on Saturday, January 24, 2015 at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa. The topic of the day was isolation, something all addicts are familiar with and suffer from.

Following breakfast, introductions, and group meditation, the morning session featured an SAA member speaking on “Isolation Sucks: Where Can I Find Recovery?” The speaker, someone with long-term sobriety, confessed that he was bad about making telephone calls, although he receives a lot. He wouldn’t recommend that others not use this valuable tool, but he went on to name several ways he breaks out of isolation besides using the phone:

–Socializing with friends, both in and out of the program.
–Fellowship; for example, going for coffee after SAA meetings.
–Therapy.
–Recovery oriented literature.
–Service work such as meeting secretary.
–Sponsoring; sponsees help his recovery.
–Working an honest First Step.
–Going to meetings.
–His wife – she works closely with him, shares his struggles, and provides him true intimacy.
–His sponsor.
–Doing Outer Circle activities and journaling.

After the presentation, attendees – about 50 in all – broke into small groups of 5 or 6 to discuss the methods they use to combat isolation. Then we broke for lunch, after which two high definition TVs, which had been donated by an SAA member, were raffled off.

The afternoon agenda began with a speaker discussing “Using Steps Six and Seven as Springboards Out of Isolation.” He explained that our character defects lead us into isolation, and that by working Steps Six and Seven – identifying our defects and asking our Higher Power to remove them – we also remove sources of isolation. After the presentation, members wrote their answers to two questions: “What character defects can I identify that lead me to isolation?” and “What would my life look like if I had these removed?” Once again, small groups were formed to discuss their answers.

The last activity was a panel discussion about tools that individuals use to take themselves out of isolation but were not on the usual lists, such as humor, distraction, and developing a texting group. A wide ranging question, answer, and comment session followed before the closing activities.

We plan to host our sixth one-day retreat in late summer or early fall. Please take note and watch for the announcement!

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My Share

I Partitioned My Middle Circle

SAA members learn early on about the Three Circles. The Inner Circle consists of actions that brought us to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. The Outer Circle contains all of the healthy activities that bring us serenity. The Middle Circle comprises activities that are risky and may lead to the Inner Circle. The Middle Circle is dangerous, yet some members view it as an acceptable place to go. After all, we don’t lose our abstinence time. We can still collect those chips. No real harm, right?

Wrong. As I gained recovery, I observed that members who slipped – and thus did lose their abstinence time – often said their slip began in their Middle Circle, from which they slid down into the abyss. From that, I learned two things: (1) the Middle Circle is a slippery slope to be avoided, and (2) if I stay out of my Middle Circle, I’m a lot less likely to act out.

However, sometimes I can’t help going into my middle circle. For example, euphoric recall about past acting out pops into my head. I don’t invite it; it just happens. Certainly this is not an Outer Circle occurrence, but neither is it Inner Circle. So it’s in my Middle Circle. This creates a dilemma: I know the Middle Circle is dangerous and I’m better off if I stay away, but sometimes I can’t. I have no control over what pops into my head.

Then about a year ago, I realized that my Middle Circle activities could be separated into two categories: intentional and unintentional. It’s unintentional if euphoric recall pops into my head, but it’s intentional if I keep dwelling on it. It’s unintentional if I notice an attractive woman crossing my path; it’s intentional if my gaze keeps following and I objectify and fantasize about her. It’s intentional if I’m having trouble going to sleep and I think about my past acting out activities or worse yet, use my tablet to search for titillating (but technically non-pornographic) images.

My unintentional Middle Circle events are unavoidable, but they are also the least harmful. My intentional Middle Circle forays are the most harmful and far more likely to lead to my Inner Circle, but they are avoidable. Once I grasped this, I decided to divide my Middle Circle into the unintentional (on the Outer Circle side of the Middle Circle) and the intentional (on the Inner Circle side). Then I made a conscious decision not to go into my intentional Middle Circle. Think of it as another layer of insulation.

Since that decision, I have grown used to telling myself I don’t do that anymore. If I argue with my wife and want to feel better, I tell myself that going into my Middle Circle to alleviate/avoid my stress is simply not an option. I have to do something else, even if that means just feeling bad for awhile. Interestingly, this often leads to doing something constructive, and then I feel better. In the wife-arguing case, I might examine my side of the street for my part and make an amends if warranted. I might take a contrary action and get her a Starbucks. Or I might go running, or phone someone. Anything is better than going intentionally into my Middle Circle.

The results have been nothing short of amazing. I have never felt so strong in my recovery. The temptations have diminished considerably. I believe that if I continue diligently doing my recovery work, I can remain sober for the rest of my life. That is such a wonderful thing to be able to write. I am so grateful.

Have I been perfect about this? No, but it has vastly improved. Sometimes I’ll take a second or third quick glance, or think for a few moments about what just popped into my head instead of immediately dismissing it. Then I gently remind myself that I don’t do this anymore, and resolve to keep improving. That’s progress, not perfection, as we say.

When I told my sponsor about all of this, he pointed out that under certain conditions, it actually is safe to venture intentionally into the Middle Circle. But these ventures must be worthwhile, not secret, and not decided unilaterally. One example might be watching a movie by myself that could be triggering. That’s in my Middle Circle. Before deciding to watch, I can check in with my sponsor. He will ask me why I want to see this movie. I will need a good reason. He will ask me why I’ll be alone, and I will need a good reason for that. He might suggest that I not watch it unless I can find someone to accompany me. He might ask me to call him just before and just after the movie (“bookending”). He might suggest that if the movie is too triggering, to stop and call him. He is a lifeline. This is the only way I know in which it is safe to go intentionally into our Middle Circle. We need outside opinions – remember, our best thinking got us into SAA – and we need a lifeline in case our excursion gets too rocky.

If you intentionally dabble in your Middle Circle, I suggest you “think twice” about it: once for your intentional Middle Circle activities, and once for your unintentional ones. Intentional Middle Circle activities are treacherously dangerous. Partition them off and decide that you don’t do them anymore. Say it to yourself often. You may be imperfect, but be gentle with yourself and you will get better at it. Once you are used to it, I am sure you will feel much better about your sobriety. I have.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Spanish-Speaking Outreach

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Craigslist

The responses continue to ads we placed for SAA on the Orange County Craigslist website. Sex addicts going there for something else are being presented with an opportunity for recovery, and for some of them, it’s working!

Retention of SAA Members

Anyone who has attended SAA groups for very long knows that some members are in for the long term, but too many others attend a few meetings and leave. At the December 11 Intergroup meeting we discussed ways to help and encourage new members to keep coming back, and came up with the following suggestions:

► After-meeting fellowships such as coffee or lunch.
► Establish a group service position of Sponsorship Coordinator.
► Encourage members to speak with newcomers before and after meetings, welcoming them and asking if they have any questions.
► Volunteer your phone number or give them a phone list with your number checked.
► Hold a special meeting for newcomers.
► Offer to call the newcomer in a few days to ask how they’re doing.

We expect more to come in this area. If you would like to contribute your ideas or experience, please attend our next Intergroup meeting on February 12, or you may submit them to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com or to your group’s Intergroup representative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Announcements & Newsnotes

Soon: A Big-Time Addiction Conference in Los Angeles!

On February 5-8, a substance abuse and addiction treatment conference will be held at the Westin Los Angeles Airport Hotel on “The Evolution of Addiction Treatment.” Although the conference is intended for professionals, SAA will have a table there, and past volunteers have said they were permitted to attend the workshops offered. The Southern California Intergroup needs volunteers to hand out packets of SAA literature to conference attendees.

If you are interested in this cutting-edge conference, please go to http://theevolutionofaddictiontreatment.com/schedule.html to view the schedule of events. To volunteer, contact Damon M. at 424-222-3533 or lacalsaa@gmail.com, or contact Carole D. at 562-841-4348 or carolemary@netzero.com.

A Suggestion for Sponsors

We suggest you consider stressing to your sponsees the importance of service work such as volunteering for positions at their meetings. Early in recovery, service work gives recovering sex addicts something to feel good about when they need it most. Later on, it becomes Step 12 work, a very healthy activity and again a builder of self-esteem. Some sponsors we know feel so strongly about it that they advise their sponsees to fill a service position or find another sponsor!

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has three vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on February 12.

A Few Intergroup Representatives Still Needed

Thanks for Your Donations!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

The Monday through Friday noon meetings at Mariners Church in Irvine have moved. New location:
First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square; meet in the Albright Room past the restrooms.

All early morning meetings at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa have been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Mike K.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

December 31, 2014 by Mike K.

December 2014

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:00-8:15 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We are still a young organization and need your ideas!

Coming Up in January: Our Fifth Retreat!

The Orange County Intergroup is sponsoring its next one-day retreat on Saturday, January 24, 2015 at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19th St. A member is donating a 40″ large screen high definition TV to be raffled off, as well as a mystery second prize! The program will run from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Typically, about three main topics are covered, two of which begin with a presentation by one member followed by breakout groups to discuss attendees’ responses to the information provided. Often a panel discusses an issue of interest such as sponsorship, and then answers audience questions. Other activities involve participation by everyone in attendance. The strong fellowship in these retreats is palpable, and feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. They are equally beneficial for newcomers and old-timers.

These popular gatherings have attracted around 70 attendees and include breakfast and lunch. Admission costs $25, payable via PayPal or by check. You may also pay through your meeting’s Intergroup representative. No-cost scholarships are available for those who cannot afford the admission fee. Since we are catering lunch, we would appreciate your enrolling by January 18 if possible. Please see the announcement on our website, www.ocisaa.org.

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My Share

The 1000-Pound Phone

We are told from Day One that it’s important to use the telephone in our recovery. It helps us stay in touch with our sponsor and friends we’ve made in the program. We use it to check in with members about issues we’re facing, drawing on their experience. We bookend certain activities to make ourselves accountable. It can serve as a lifeline when we’re tempted to act out. Every SAA group we know of has a phone list, and at every meeting it’s announced that the members on the list have agreed to receive calls from other members. Yet we know that too many members don’t make these calls.

The Intergroup’s recent survey revealed that the single hardest thing for SAA members to do is use the phone. 31% of the survey respondents cited using the telephone as one of the toughest things in their recovery. What is in the minds of members that makes it so hard to make calls? Here are several examples:

How do I begin?
I’m pretty new in the program. I have an issue or a question, and it’s sensitive. But do I really want to call someone I barely know – or maybe not know at all – to discuss such a personal issue? I’m not used to doing anything like this. It’s scary. How do I even start such a conversation?

I don’t want to impose
Anyone I call is likely to be occupied, and I don’t want to bother them. I don’t want to take time out of their busy day. They’ll probably resent it, even if they don’t say so. Besides, it’s too early to call anyone. Or it’s too late to call anyone. Or it’s Sunday. Or Tuesday. Or whatever.

I should be able to figure this out
I’m going to appear weak or stupid if I ask anyone about this. They’ll probably think I’m an idiot. I should be able to answer this on my own.

I want to do this right
I’m all confused over this. I’m not sure how to put it. Before I call anyone, I want to make sure I’ve got it all organized in my head so I’m easily understood. I’d better think about it. Maybe by tomorrow I’ll know what to say.

Macho man
I’m a guy, and guys don’t share their feelings. I don’t want to be a wimp.

It’s not important
This will probably pass very quickly. It’s too small to call someone about.

I’ll do it at the meeting
I don’t need to call anybody now. I’ll just wait and share it at my next meeting.

Our reluctance to make phone calls probably stems from one or more of the above. These preconceived notions must be discarded if we are to use this valuable tool effectively. Here are some positive ideas about using the phone to replace the old negative ones:

I’m helping by calling
When I call someone on the list, I’m helping them in their recovery. They want to be on the list! It gives them a chance to feel needed and to share the experience, strength, and hope they’ve received. They will welcome my call. If it comes at a bad time, they’ll say so and call me back. I can even leave a message if they don’t answer. How great is that?

It’s OK just to jump in
I don’t have to be perfect at this. Something’s bothering me, or I have a question. It will never get answered if I don’t ask it.

I’ll improve with experience
I’m not sure what to say or how to say it, but that’s OK. It happens with everyone. As I use the phone more, I’ll get better and more comfortable with it. These guys have been through it; they know where I’m coming from.

I don’t know everything, and that’s OK
I’m being unfairly hard on myself when I think that I shouldn’t need any help. That’s part of my addiction. Everyone on the planet needs help sometimes.

Real men share their feelings
It’s healthy for me to express my emotions and problems. Maybe I wasn’t allowed to do this when I was young, but now I can. It’s part of taking care of myself.

Everything is important
The problem I have may be trivial by some standards, but it bothers me, and that makes it important enough to call someone about it. It’s the feelings I’m having. Feelings are important, even if they involve a trivial situation.

I don’t have to wait
This is really bothering me. It doesn’t have to languish until my next meeting. Why torture myself unnecessarily? I’ll call now.

It’s often said that our best thinking got us into SAA. For many of us, negativity about using the telephone may fall into this category. If you don’t use this tool now, we suggest you set aside your reasons for not doing so and look for reasons why it would be good for you. Take the advice of many others who have sustained success in their recovery: Use the phone! It’s important!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Intergroup Project Updates

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Craigslist

As of December 11, we have received seven responses to ads we placed for SAA on the Orange County Craigslist website. This is a promising area to keep a (healthy) eye on.

Retention of SAA Members

We expect more to come in this area. If you would like to contribute your ideas or experience, please attend our next Intergroup meeting on January 8, or you may submit them to ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com or to your group’s Intergroup representative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Announcements & Newsnotes

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has three vacant positions and a need for website contributors. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

► We are looking for website contributors of any kind, including those who are willing to learn.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on January 8.

A Few Intergroup Representatives Still Needed

Thanks for Your Donations!

We are grateful for the support we receive from the Orange County area SAA meetings. As you can see from all our activities listed in this newsletter, we are putting your donations to good use. We encourage you to attend our monthly meetings and voice your ideas.

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SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Sunday, 5:00-6:30 p.m.
Closed, mixed
United Methodist Church, Room 2
13000 San Antonio Dr., Norwalk, CA 90650
Contact Eli R. (714) 650-0132 or Gary H. (562) 882-0729, email eliminatorfundeck24@gmail.com

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

All early morning meetings at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa have been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

Two meetings have suspended operations until a new location is found:
Monday and Wednesday, 12:00-1:00 p.m., Men Only/Open/Book Study
Formerly held at 23151 Moulton Parkway, Laguna Woods
Call Scott, 949-547-3412 for updates

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Mike K.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

December 1, 2014 by Mike K.

November 2014

carry-the-message The purpose of our Intergroup is to more effectively reach the sex addict in the Orange County area who still suffers. We meet the second Thursday of each month from 7:00-8:15 p.m. in the Albright Room at the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa, 420 W. 19^th St., located at the end of the 55 Freeway across from Triangle Square. All SAA members are welcome. If you can’t make it, meeting minutes are published on our website. We are still a young organization and need your ideas!

2014 Intergroup Survey Results

The results are in! One hundred ten SAA members participated in our 2014 survey. By periodically asking certain questions of its members, the Intergroup seeks to confirm ways in which our efforts to reach more sex addicts have been effective, and also to get new ideas for attracting sex addicts to the SAA program and helping them progress. Below is a summary of the results.

How did you hear about us?
► 38% were referred by therapists.
► 33% found us on the Internet.
► 13% were referred by 12-step programs.
► 6% were referred by clergy.
► 6% were referred by other addicts or friends.
► 4% found us through other media or were court-referred.

Do you have a sponsor?
► 71% answered yes.
► 29% answered no.
► Of the respondents who answered “no,” 88% said they would like to have one.

Name the two toughest things in your recovery.
► 31% phone calls.
► 25% stepwork – either general stepwork, or specifically Steps 1, 4, 9, or 12.
► 12% sobriety/Inner Circle.
► 7% honesty.
► 5% the Middle Circle.
► 4% finding a sponsor.
► 4% sharing at meetings.
► 4% calling their sponsor.
► 3% Internet porn.
► 2% attending meetings.
► 2% emotional triggers.
► 1% each for mental lust, developing Circles, consistency, trusting another person.
(Rounding resulted in over 100%.)

As you can see from the above, some areas stand out positively, and other areas evidence chronic problems. We are analyzing and discussing the results at our monthly meetings, and planning many of our future actions based on these data. All members are invited to participate. Thanks to all of you who contributed to this anonymous survey.

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My Share

Disclosure

This is such a difficult topic. In my experience, it is perhaps the most sensitive area of recovery. What do you tell your significant other, and/or your relatives, friends, and associates, about your disease and recovery work? How much detail? When do you tell them? Do you tell them at all? Which ones? Do you tell them individually? Should you disclose in the presence of a therapist? This article cannot answer all these questions, but it will explore the subject in order to give recovering addicts some assistance on dealing with this extremely sensitive, but also very important, subject.

Secrets are poison. They are part of our addiction. Recovery requires not keeping secrets anymore, neither old nor new. Therefore we must disclose our secrets. Disclosure is a complicated subject for several reasons. Each addict has his/her own unique story. Spouses and significant others can be very different in what they want to hear. There are varying needs to know. However, it should not depend solely on what the addict wants to divulge. The recovering addict, used to living in extremes, can tend either to be very sparing in what they say, or will want to blab it all over to cleanse themselves. At the very least, most of us are unsure.

One thing is for sure, at least with the mental health professionals I have met. They all say disclosure is necessary. Secrets are poison to sex addicts. Recovery calls for rigorous honesty, so they all need to tell their story to someone. Beyond that rather general statement, individual circumstances come into play.

First, who is that someone you tell? For most of us, it is more than one person. We need to tell our sponsors everything – usually at first, but certainly by the end of Step 5. I was afraid to tell my sponsor some things that I was reluctant to say in meetings, but to my surprise he wasn’t in the least judgmental. What a relief! If we have a therapist, we also need to tell them everything; otherwise, they can’t help us. In addition, if we have a spouse or significant other, we need to tell them about our acting out for what should be obvious reasons. That is more complicated, however, as we shall see. In general, beyond our spouse/significant other, therapist, and sponsor, we need specific reasons why others need to know. There may be reasons for telling others, but “coming clean” is not a reason. That is self-serving, and I have seen it backfire on members – such as getting them fired.

How much do you tell people? As stated above, the therapist and sponsor need to know everything. But what about the spouse or significant other? Some partners want to know everything and then some; others want almost no details. The answer can vary widely and does not necessarily depend on what the partner wants to know, although most therapists favor some type of full disclosure – whatever that may mean. For example, full disclosure may not require giving out addresses of acting out partners, even if the spouse demands it. In my view this is best discussed with a therapist. If one is not in therapy, sponsors can be good resources, as can others in the program with some experience.

When do you disclose? This is also a thorny issue. Spouse catches addict acting out and often wants to know everything on the spot. Addict tries to minimize. Spouse gets angry, asks what are you still hiding. And so on. Maybe a lot is divulged then and there, maybe almost nothing. At that time addicts wishing to recover (or placate their partner) will go to an SAA meeting and/or see a therapist. Many therapists suggest a disclosure session with both parties present. That can be difficult to wait for when the aggrieved spouse is demanding all the facts immediately. The partner may not want to see the therapist at all, saying it’s the addict’s problem. I don’t know the answer to this, other than to suggest that the addict tell the partner that they want to share their story, but because emotions can run so high, the therapist suggested that the disclosure occur in their office. Partners can be very traumatized by what is often a sudden revelation that their loved one has betrayed them with a secret life. They need support too, usually from some type of 12-step group and/or a therapist.

As far as telling others besides sponsor, therapist, and partner, maybe the kids need to know. Maybe the employer. Maybe the addict’s clergy, and so on. Maybe no one. The important thing to remember is, there should be good reasons for telling them. “Getting it off the addict’s chest” is not a reason and may do more harm than good. Decisions on whom to tell and what to say are best discussed beforehand with a therapist and/or sponsor.

Disclosure is an important part of recovery and can be a source of great relief once done. Getting rid of secrets is essential. But disclosures should be done in such a way as to tell others everything they need to know without inflicting unnecessary harm on them or ourselves. What this means, along with everything else in this article, is best discussed with a therapist and/or sponsor. Every situation is unique in some respects.

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Intergroup Project Updates

Our Next Retreat

We are planning our next one-day retreat tentatively for Saturday, January 24, 2015 at a site yet to be confirmed but possibly the First Methodist Church of Costa Mesa. A member is donating a brand-new large screen high definition TV to be raffled off! Check our website for updates, or ask your group’s Intergroup representative for more information.

Internet Keyword Search Optimization

Wow, that’s a mouthful! We are working toward directing certain Internet searches to our website, using key words and phrases to do so. Examples are “massage parlor reviews” and “can’t stop watching porn.” We are awaiting approval of our search terms and keywords from Google.

Craigslist

We have placed three ads for SAA on the Orange County Craigslist website and have gotten some responses. This is a promising area to keep an eye on (in a healthy way!).

Retention of SAA Members

Anyone who has attended SAA groups for very long knows that some members are in for the long term, but too many others attend a few meetings and leave. At next month’s Intergroup meeting we will begin discussing ways to help and encourage new members to keep coming back. Please join us on Thursday, December 11 to share your ideas on this important topic; or let your Intergroup representative know; or email us.

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Announcements & Newsnotes

Intergroup Vacancies

Our Intergroup has three vacant positions. These are great opportunities to be of service, and they generally require little or no special expertise.

If you are interested in any of these positions and want to learn more, please contact Ron R. at ocisaa.chair@gmail.com. Or, you may attend the next monthly Intergroup meeting on December 11.

For Residents of Newport Beach (and Those Who Like to Visit)

The SAA meetings in Newport Beach are looking to grow. If you are in the market for a new meeting, you may want to consider attending one of these gatherings of fellow SAA members. See the list of meetings on our website.

A Few Intergroup Representatives Still Needed

Thanks for Your Donations!

A Note to Event Promoters and Organizers: For those requesting announcements to run in our newsletter, please use the following format – and order – as much as possible:
Who: Are you a committee (of the Intergroup, for example), or an individual SAA meeting group, or another type of organization or individual?
What: Is this a workshop, breakfast, retreat, or another type of event?
Title: What is the name of your event?
When: Give the date and starting and ending times of your event.
Cost: What is the suggested contribution, or is it a set fee, or is no one turned away for lack of funds?
Description: In a sentence, or several sentences, say what is unique or especially appealing about your event.
Where: Event address, along with any cross-street info or parking tips you think are important.
More Info: Who to call for more information? List a telephone number, email address, and/or website.
Please give us as much lead time as possible, and note that submissions are subject to editing for clarity and space.

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SAA Meeting News

New Meetings:

Changes:

The Monday evening women’s book study meeting has relocated. Please call 714-485-3655 or email womeninsaa@gmail.com for more details.

All early morning meetings at the First Methodist Church in Costa Mesa have been canceled.

The Friday morning meeting at the Alano Club has been canceled.

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Orange County Intergroup Officers and Committee Chairs

Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. — Tradition 2

Chair: Ron R., ocisaa.chair@gmail.com
Vice Chair: Vacant, ocisaa.vicechair@gmail.com
Digital Communications: Neal B., ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com (Assistant: Reza B., ocisaa.digicom2@gmail.com)
Inreach: Vacant, ocisaa.inreach@gmail.com
Outreach: Maurice B., ocisaa.outreach@gmail.com
Literature: Ron C., ocisaa.literature@gmail.com
Treasurer: Brian A. (Vice Treasurer: Vacant), ocisaa.treasurer@gmail.com
Secretary: Earl Q., ocisaa.secretary@gmail.com
Newsletter Editor: Mike K., ocisaa.newsletter@gmail.com
Parliamentarian: Mike K.

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Website

If you have ideas or suggestions for the website, please contact our Webmaster, Neal B., at ocisaa.digicom1@gmail.com.

OC Intergroup of SAA

OCISAA – P.O.Box 12424 Costa Mesa, CA 92627

Events